What is going on?

See, this is the problem. It just doesn't make any sense to me. And here I am in the middle of the night, writing about it. Cause I just can't wrap my brain around it.

Last week the Consul General of Iceland in Winnipeg called me up out of the blue... well, actually Neil Bardal called me and told me to call the Consul. And he announces that he's put my name forward as a performer for Listahátíð í Reykjavík, and the performance will be at City Hall.

I've been dying to go for a visit for the longest time now. But there was never enough time or enough money. And now this just falls into my lap with no warning. It seems so incredibly surreal. Maybe I've just really lost my mind, and I've convinced myself that this is true as a form of escape from all my responsibilities.

But this has gone on too long. Either I really am delusional (and I'm planning on "flying" to Iceland in my mind, while I really take a few days of rest in my apartment) or someone somewhere who doesn't know me is willing to pay enormous sums of money for me to fly overseas for a week, just to sing two or three songs at a concert. That doesn't make sense to me. I've always felt that I was worth this kind of attention, but now that I'm getting it, I'm sure there must be some kind of mistake. Someone has really pulled a gaffe this time.

I'm scared. I'm terrified. I can't even speak to describe my blinding fear at the thought of doing this. But I'm excited at the same time. AND NO ONE ELSE IS SHOCKED!!!!!! That's part of what is freaking me out. I would expect people to stare at me in stunned disbelief. But they all just kind of congratulate me and tell me how lucky I am and how much I deserve it. How can they say that? I feel like I keep getting these amazing experiences tossed at me for no real reason whatsoever.

Why did I get to go to Iceland in my early twenties and live there for five years? Why did I get to do my masters at Cambridge, a place I had always dreamed of attending, but never really imagined would be an option? These places and opportunities are all so steeped in meaning and emotion for me that they border on the mythological. I think to myself that I've done amazing things, and I've had amazing chances offered to me, basically that I've been luckier than anyone has any right to be. And when I'm feeling like things are slowing down, and I shouldn't feel badly just because I'm not flitting around the world the way I'd imagined I would... within a year or two, I'm breaking other barriers and seeing other unattainable dreams come true almost like magic.

I find myself wanting to include God in this, too, which makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, since I don't usually write about religious topics, and I often find that any mention of deity in writing is, for me, a signal of weakness and a reason to take everything the writer has expressed with a healthy dose of scepticism. But it's funny that the other day I was talking to Him and told him I wanted to win. I had intended to specify what it was that I wanted to win, but I couldn't prioritize in time, so I was left with just saying, "I want to win". Later on, I said it again, and then started arguing the point that we're all set up to lose, ultimately, since we're all going to die. Then I took the other position, recognizing that the other option is to win, depending on how you look at death. Which led me to (I thought rather skillfully) point out the flaw in that, namely that winning is dependent on belief. Then I realized that He and I had very expertly manoeuvred me into a corner. And then just a few weeks later, I win again.

How do you pay all this back? Or forward? When does the reckoning come? Will it be enough atonement ef "ég geng einn og óstuddur, að þeim dimmu dyrum." Is that the price that I'll have to pay for good fortune in my youth and middle age? Or can I pay it back bit by bit along the way? I hope I don't have to end my days alone... it's my single greatest fear. But we'll just have to wait and see how that turns out.

Peej